Review: Porn Shoot Massacre

Text © Richard Gary / Indie Horror Films, 2015
Images from the Internet

Porn Shoot Massacre: Unrated Edition

Directed by Corbin Timbrook
Lost Empire / MVD Visual
87 minutes, 2009
www.lostempirefilms.com
www.psmthemovie.com
www.mvdvisual.com



The ripped Ramones of Shelly Martinez

I am totally offended by this film for two reasons. No, not for the subject matter, but because the first victim is wearing a Ramones tee. The Ramones make me happy, and not associated with murder! And what’s even worse, the shirt is cut up for “sexy” purposes, with the arms ripped off and the neck cut into a vee, making the cleavage more exposed. Why would anyone do that to a poor, defenseless Ramones shirt? Didn’t the band go through enough shit?!

Anyway, enough with the digression, let’s get to the film. After the death of said first porn star (actress / wrestler / body builder Shelly Martinez) before the opening credits but after the intro full-frontal shower scene, we are taken to the set of a mysterious porn shoot in some factory with faulty lighting and hidden cameras in the hallways. Yeah, if the title doesn’t give you some hint of the action to follow, certainly the set will.

Robert Ambrose as Malfini

The women are being paid $10,000 to appear in this mystery porn shoot, being directed by the equally cryptic and somewhat flamboyant Malfini (Robert Ambrose); the name is close to “Malfeasance,” which is the “willful and intentional action that injures a party” (thank you Internet), especially by one in charge. In Italian, the “I” at the end of a word is plural (if it ended with “o” it would be singular). Therefore, the name if wrongdoing against many. He also is wearing an incredibly fake looking wig, moustache and beard, and large, blue-tinted glasses. Ruuuuun!!!!

Along with two camera jerks and a decent clip-board guy (Nick Machado, arguably giving the most credibly performance here), there is the killer, Brute (Dirk Vader). Okay, I need to digress again here for a moment. Some of the people in this film are actual porn pros, and many have this listed as their only screen credit. I’m going to venture a supposition here that many of those involved with the production, both in front and behind the camera, are not using their real (or stage) names. I mean, my sincere apologies if I’m wrong, but Dirk Vader?

The Fetish Queen and the Good Person

Getting back to the story, the porn actresses start arriving one or two at a time, depending on what is expected of them, include the nice one, the prima donna fetish queen, and the dominatrix. They help add to the heap of the body count. Now, it’s not just the women who are being snuffed off, it also includes the male actors who are generally non-descript, other than Tiny (Richard Little), the dwarf.

By the time the heroine comes into the story in act three, there are a whole lot of, well, I see dead porn people… Halie is also an actress in the field, portrayed by the most attractive looking of the cast, and most plausible player, Shirley Harper, so be afraid Halie, be very afraid; even though she wasn’t originally cast in this shoot, since she could use the money… As indicated, she is the smart one, though in a time of stress she asks someone equally screwed (pun not intended), “What should I do?!”

And who is behind all the mayhem and murder? Not who you’d expect, though it makes (semi-)sense, especially as we face a presidential election based more on ideologies than law.

Dirk Vader (snicker) as Brute

While better than I thought it would be, I have some issues with the film. For example, while I like the ampleness of the actresses, the level of obvious silicone (or saline, leave me alone) is high; there’s probably enough here to seal in an apartment building worth of windows. I’m happy to say the filmmakers didn’t discriminate by gender, but the women definitely got the gorier deaths; however, yes, there is blood aplenty, you never actually see object touch flesh, most of it happening just beyond the camera frame. You do get so see a disembodied hand and eye (looks like they got the body pieces from a Halloween store), among other things.

The story is convoluted and tries on occasion to be too many places at the same time (Look! The film set! Look! People walking down the corridor! Look! A murder happening! Now we’ll just cut back and forth between them all!). Sometimes all the bits work hard to distract from the fun stuff – be it death or sex – but as I said, for such a low budget film, they did well.

You know it’s pretty decent (pun intended) when the absolute worst part of the film is the music. Not some funky “wah-wah,” but electronica seemingly stuck on repeat every couple of bars. I really wanted a switch to leave on the dialog, such as it is, as turn off the music. Horrendous stuff.

Also, why was Brute masked? If the point is to just kill, no one can identify him; we were told why Leatherface, Michael and Jason wore theirs. But the last question I have, is why is this unrated? Yes there is lots of nudity, (no male, though), and nothing more than a hint of a lesbian scene (i.e., two nude women kissing and fondling each other), but really, there is only an R rating worth. Is there a hardcore version that exists, and that was supposed to be the Unrated one?

So, lots of boobs, lots of blood, lots of bad acting, a strange storyline and characters, and some terrible music. And yet, it was still better than I expected. Hunh. Whatcha know!